I have always lived and existed within a thin body. I used to be able to buy clothes in the kids section as recently as 2 years ago. There's nothing I did or didn't do to exist in this body. It's the one that was created for me.
When we decided to try and start a family, I wanted to gain some weight. I was working out on a consistent basis and I was existing in perhaps the thinnest body I experienced since college. I wanted my body to be in a different space...and well, I gained 10lbs, and after 7 months of trying, I was pregnant. (Please note: those two facts are not correlated. I could have gotten pregnant 10lbs lighter).
Over the course of my pregnancy, I gained 30-ish lbs. Postpartum, I have retained some of that weight, but am hovering around 20lbs lighter than the end of my pregnancy. I am not ashamed or upset about any single one of those pounds. Even if I had not been pregnant, and I gained the weight, I would be okay with it.
I recognize that this statement is loaded. Not everyone is comfortable with gaining or losing weight. I see you. I am here for you. I want to support you.
As I mentioned, I have always existed in a thin body, and even now, with this added weight, I am still in what is considered a conventionally thin body. There is privilege in that I did not have to struggle to find the right sized pants or shirts when I went shopping for new clothes recently. I am intrigued by the ways in which companies are now catering to all sizes, and that some brands have even gone so far as to remove the word "plus size" from their stores and are now size inclusive. It's a step in the right direction.
I have felt empowered about my changing body largely due to conversations with friends, conversations with my partner, and by curating my social media to follow women who are addressing these issues head on. Do I have moments where I feel frustrated that shirts don't fit quite the same? Or that I have to keep wearing maternity pants? Of course. I am human. However, I try to not wallow in those feelings. I let them sit, I let them be. I acknowledge them, and I then move on. It does not serve me to be defined by the size of my clothes. Or the number on the scale.
I am best served by wearing clothes that I feel good in. I am best served by moving my body in ways that bring me joy. I am best served by being a soft and comforting place for my baby to land. I am best served by having arms open and ready to embrace my partner. I am best served by caring for myself in ways that make me feel good. I am best served by finding joy in so many others things that are not tied to my looks. Music. Reading. Watching bad tv (hello, Dog the Bounty Hunter).
There is so much more to focus on in this life. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. Let us not forget. May you be reminded that you are a blessing. A gift to this world.
(Me trying on new pants and feeling GOOD)