I have been hesitant about sharing this. Our birth story is something intimate, private, and ours. However, this month is C-Section Awareness Month, and if sharing this story can help one other person, then it is worth sharing.
Our story begins on the Friday evening, which was our due date. I was experiencing very random, very short cramps. I thought perhaps it was lightning crotch, or even an upset stomach. I didn't think it was contractions. Not yet. We enjoyed our evening, I showered, we rested (as if we would be doing anything else at 40 weeks pregnant), and we went to bed.
Around 5am on Saturday, I started to experience what I know now are contractions. They were still very random, not lasting long, and the timing of them was all over the place. Around 8am, I called the Birth Center triage line to check in and seek guidance (if you feel remotely unsure of *anything*, always check in). They told me to time the contractions, and to come in when either my water broke, or when the contractions were every 5 minutes, lasting for 1 minute and over the period of 1 hour (also known as the 5-1-1 rule). I got out of bed, and began to pace the house. I spent the morning doing "normal" things. Eating breakfast, drinking water, watching TV etc. I spent time sitting on our big medicine ball, I walked on an aerobic step, I did everything I could think of to progress labor. By early afternoon, the contractions didn't seem to get close together in time. I could see no discernible pattern. I checked in with the triage line again and they suggested getting my stuff together and coming in for an evaluation. At this point, I called my mum to meet us at the house (she was going to be a part of my birth experience), and then we would head out. We continued to snack on food, and get all of our stuff together.
When we arrived at the Birth Center, you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that I was 5.5cm dilated. I had NO clue. I didn't feel like my contractions were strong, and I felt good. My body knew exactly what to do. After all, this is something women have done since creation. My body knew how to guide me. Let me tell you. I was SHOCKED that I was that far along, and that I felt so good.
We spent the night getting settled, I got my epidural around 11pm so that I can try and get some sleep while waking up to be repositioned with the peanut ball, and so find some comfort from pain. I'll be honest, I was not in any true pain prior to the epidural. At least not the pain that I've heard others describe. I did know that I didn't want to feel immense pain, and I knew the epidural would provide that, and I felt like it would give me the confidence and strength I needed to give birth.
Around 7:30am on Sunday, my nurse let me know that my water had broke, and that I was fully dilated. I would be ready to start pushing at anytime. Around 9am, we began the journey. I was assisted by my husband Kyle, my mum, my nurse, and a midwife. We had our Baby James playlist in the background, and I would push for three contractions with all my strength (and assistance from the team), and rest in between. Our conversations were all over the place, the epidural was working well, and I naturally began to sense the rhythm of knowing when to lean in and push, and when to rest and conserve energy. It is truly a beautiful thing.
After 4 hours of pushing, our sweet baby did not emerge. Kyle could see his hair more and more with each push, yet he would not budge any more. We decided with the medical team that we would try to vacuum-assist his delivery, and if that did not work, we would move onto a caesarean section. The room quickly filled with medical professionals. One team for baby James, and a team for me. We stopped the music, and we focused even harder. Seeing as I'm writing this post during C-Section Awareness Month, I think we know where this is headed.
The vacuum assist did not work. I had some heart rate issues, I threw up, and my baby boy was stuck. I found myself crying for about 30 seconds before realizing it was all about to happen. I signed my paperwork, said goodbye to mum and kissed Kyle. He was suiting up in scrubs and would soon be in the OR with me.
When we arrived in the OR, we reviewed allergies, confirmed who I was, and began to prep. The team pushed a small area on the right side of my abdomen and I felt their pinch. They quickly pushed more medicine through my IV and let me rest. They tested again. I could still feel their pinch. It was quickly decided that I would need to be twilighted/knocked out/put under in order to deliver James and quickly. I didn't have much time to process, and our midwife let me know she would be right beside me the whole time. Kyle wouldn't be able to join us, in case I were to decompensate in any way. Talk about scary. Our midwife ran out and grabbed Kyle's phone. She had zero time to explain what was happening, but she wanted to document our sons arrival as best as she could.
I'm not sure how much time passed between me being twilighted to waking up. All I remember is feeling Kyle beside me and I could feel my son on the other side of me. The rest of the afternoon comes back to me in short flashes. I held him close to my chest when they moved me into surgical recovery. I remember waking up off and on throughout the evening to hear his cries. To see my mum and husband changing his diaper and giving swaddle lessons. There is so much that is clear to me and so much that is a blur. It is not fair. It doesn't feel right.
I continue to recover from that day in many ways. Emotionally and mentally, I am all over the place. Physically, there is just a visible scar, however, the recovery is still ongoing. Spiritually, whew. I don't even know where to begin.
In reflection, we are so thankful for the doctors, midwife, nurses and staff who guided us and cared for us. In reflection, we now know that we could have planned for a c-section from the start based on his positioning. We now know that the outcome could have been different, and not in a good way. There is so much to heal from, and I know that sharing our story is a part of that journey. Even though it is tender, even though it feels private, even though I can feel myself back in that place at the drop of a hat.
I share this not to scare anyone, but more importantly to affirm and acknowledge that a C-Section is a life changing event. It is not a small procedure, but rather a huge medical procedure, and one that requires lots of time to heal from. To all of you who have experienced C-Section birth, I am standing here with you. Cheering you on. Sending you love. Always.
(My last pregnant selfie; my first time feeding James; Kyle meeting James)